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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 2,237 Location: nr Southampton
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Hi all
michael is in a total mess again. Got a letter from school about some GCSEs he is doing and realised that 3 exams are mid may and 2 in June. This is in addition to 3 bits of coursework.
It will come as no surprise that he has done nothing.
10 mins homework some evenings (after several reminders) is about the limit.
Plus he is in a mess with his clothes, the lying is well up there again and some money is missing from my purse.
I have just spent about £80 on ebay getting him kitted out for revision (bks, pens, past papers etc) and some DVDs and the coverted Percy Jackson bks as rewards off amazon.
I will support him but have read the riot act (again) about him needing to put in the work. He just looks pained, open mouthed and stares listlessly into space.
Well, attachment disorder or not he has got to toughen up a bit and knuckle down or he will no be able to go to college or get an apprenticeship that he desperately wants to do.
It happens every term, he never sees it coming and is as blaze as ever.
perhaps he never will learn and will just need huge amounts of support always to get him through anything?
this morning to top it all
his carefully crafted revision timetable we made with coloured felt pens and highlighters last evening have been found in a crumpled heap on his room floor where he has trodden on it and left it for dead.
he swore blind it was stuck up on his notice board. His room despite him swearing blind it had been sorted out ready to study with support this wk is not done, he just stuffed his stinky clothes with his clean ones I nearly killed myself laundering and sorting out and I also kind his revolting camp kit from the wkend in smelly bags around his room.
i am so tired.
i hate being treated like this. it really hurts. he never ever learns. he doesnt care one bit about being smelly, dirty and all over the place but he cant deal with the shame when things come home to roost and I cop it then.
It is really hard with a lad with attachment disorder
Jenni xhow to be a velvet bulldoser
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 3/8/2010 Posts: 914
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Hi Jenni, Its the teenage years, and they can be a nightmare. Watch he is not getting bullied at school, and the drugs scene is all around, you have to have eyes in the back of your head, watch and observe him. Its harder for boys to fit in they are all so macho and the peer pressure is enormous. I'm not saying he is involved in any of that, but it is there along with the peer pressure. Be his friend talk to him as an equal, ask his opinion on things, tell him you will always be there for him and to always feel he can come to you, I say to mine " talk to me, I may not like what you tell me but I will be there for you just the same." This can go on for years, but they do come out the other side.  How are you today ? Thinking about you Lorna x
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 585
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Hi Jenni
this is just a thought
is he missing Gemma and this is his way of showing you??
i dont know
take care
Mary L
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 2/18/2010 Posts: 1,098 Location: farningham kent
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Hi Jenni
Hope you are feeling a little better in yourself today.
I totally understand all the problems you are having with your son, as it is all very familiar having a son of 19, just turned. It was a nightmare whilst he was still at school, barely managing homework, always late arriving in to school, constantly being contacted by the school over these issues. Not the sort of thing you would expect from a grammar school lad, I would have thought. His bedroom is still a complete mess and just have to shut the door and forget about it as I just can t clear it all up these days.
His GCSE results were poor, and he just scrapped into a BA Hons degree at the local uni. Well he started last September and he is a new boy, for the first time in living memory he is never late leaving home, does all his coursework on time and is nicer person to have around too! 
Like Lorna so rightly says it is a nightmare, but there really is light at the end of the tunnel !
Sending my love Julia xxx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 3,006 Location: Timperley
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Oh Jenny - I think the lying and stealing are the things which cause you the most upset.
How are you feeling today after all your effort and hard work yesterday?
Although Lucy worked hard for her exams, her room was an absolute bomb site. My father said it reminded him of Cox and Dankx scrapyard (the people who raised the Titanic!) You couldn't see the floor at all because it was covered with books, half eaten slices of toast, tapes, records, cups with mouldy tea in them and dirty clothes EVERYWHERE!! Oh yes, and the curtains were never opened. Garth called her the troglodite. In the end I gave up trying and left her to stew in her mess. When the clothes ran out, she wore dirty ones! Now, her house is immaculate an I get told off if I don't put cups etc away - cheek!
I think the "dirty" part of Michael is normal teenage behaviour but I am sure you struggle terribly with the rest of it.
Lots of love
Jeanxxxxx
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009
Posts: 2,127
Location: Thornton Cleveleys
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Hi Jenni I agree with Jean that parts of Michael's behaviour are inevitably down to him being a normal teenager; Louis is just the same with clothes, school work, extremely untidy room etc... (as are the twins, when will they 'grow' out of it?!) However, sad to say, and as you yourself have said before, many of his ongoing difficulties are going to be borne from the 'attachment disorder' and much earlier problems. Going through puberty and all that entails is going to be very hard for Michael and if he can come through this period emotionally in tact it will be down to your love and care of him. To be honest, and this is the hard part, we all want the best for our kids but some are just not able to meet the demands we put on them, albeit unwittingly and out of a wish for a secure future for them. Sometimes we just need to step back and consider what is actually important. Is the school work that important? If he can work hard and get good grades in Maths, English, Science and perhaps a couple of other subjects that will be enough to secure a college place. If he doesn't there are alternative routes to get him into college allowing him to follow an apprenticeship. He doesn't actually need high grades in 12 subjects, or whatever Michael's school put him through. There comes a point in a child's life (appreciate your older two have 'significant other' problems) when we do have to stand back a little not only for our sanity but theirs too!! You really are doing everything you possibly can and the time has come to stop beating yourself up over it. The lying and stealing are upsetting and you need help with this, do you have something like the GRIP scheme in your area? There must be someone who can offer professional help, it is beyond the bounds of normal parenting skills when it comes to dealing with a 15 year old with problems like Michael has. Think too, like Mary, he will perhaps be missing Gemma. I worry for you Jenni, I know about attachment disorder and the devastation it can leave in its wake. The problems are never going to be the 'normal' bullying, drugs, wrong crowd dilemmas but long standing complex childhood issues. Unfortunately "light at the end of the tunnel" would be so wonderful but at the moment it would seem to be a long way off for you all. You know where I am if I can help at all. In all this most importantly don't forget to look after yourself! Thinking of you Love Lyn xx PS Sorry, will have to stop writing essays  Louis has just handed me his timetable, similar to Michael's. I think they have to wait on exam boards confirming the schedule, but still waiting on Sciences - a different exam board!
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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Hello Jeni thats a toughy sure he will oblige with your help,really feel for you so hard and stress you could do without. attachment disorders hard one,ps school are very late informing of scheleled exams for you to see. id of thought much earleir notice of thses for slower step planning. and of course missing of gems may wel be on his mind,possibly teasing at school. hope not but worth thought. or he just plain disgruntled with himself thats hes not stuck at what had agreed so lies to try cover up mishaps. hugs to you. melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 3,157 Location: Huddersfield
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Hi Jenni,
I have been through the traumatic teenage years with a girl so am not qualified to give you advice about Michael, but I do know that one thing you have to do is prioritise before your sanity deserts you completely!
Tell him his room is his responsibility, and anything not put in the wash will not be washed and close your eyes to the mess.
Teenagers all over the world survive in such conditions and he will come to no harm, it's just one less thing for you to worry about.
Love and commisserations!
Doreen xx
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 216
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Mummy-of-four-three-of-whom-are-boys to EarthMother Jenni. .......................don't panic, he is just being NORMAL! I know Michael has other issues too, poor lad, as my boys did after G died, but he is also being a normal boy (or for that matter girl, Helen was pretty awful at times!!!) I remember using TONGS to pick up my eldest son's PE kit off his bedroom floor, and discovering that there was grass GROWING in the muddy seams! Number two son lived and behaved like a pig (worse than that, actually!) after his daddy died, and the behaviour of number three son is well known to the longer-standing members on the forum. BUT they all got GCSE's, and went on to make good decisions,and hold down jobs, and be nice human beings who love their mum.........so hang in there, honey, and keep banging your head against that wall, one day the bricks will fall!!! Love Lxx Always be aware that what you do might hurt others........and if it could, do nothing without careful consideration of the consequences
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,689 Location: Durham
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Can`t add to anything that`s been said already, Jenni, but I`ve had two teenage boys less than two years apart, and the banging-of -head-against-a-brick-wall scenario is very familiar! Hope you weather the storm, Kathleen x
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Rank: Advanced Member
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Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 854
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I had a gut full of this behaviour when my lot, both males and females, were at home. They treated our home as if it were a pig sty! Going by the experiences of friends this was normal behaviour. However, the minute they moved out and got their own flat or house they turned into tidy individuals who would be so upset if there was a mess. Strange really and not expected.
Eleanor x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009 Posts: 1,524 Location: W. Yorkshire
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I agree with what's been said Jenny. My two were exactly the same and now have spotless homes which put mine to shame! You have enough to worry about, so don't fret about Michaels room. YES I'VE CHANGED, PAIN DOES THAT TO PEOPLE.
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 872
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BIG huggles Jenni,
Glad to read others input that this is normal behaviour ~ its almost a relief to see it in black and white print! We have similar too at times, teenage is a very strange time - i read somewhere the changes your body experiences in such a reasonably short space of time are almost like having a drawn out breakdown - hormones have a lot to answer for ........and if that isnt enough to contend with - then GCSE's are thrown into the mix!
Hope you can get some support schoolwise and have someone you can talk things over with when bank hols are over
Thank goodness for bedroom doors it's nice to shut them so out of sight out of mind - Jess has a talent for storing sandwiches in strange nesting places for weeks on end, its always me who has the misfortune to find them, Soph was born tidy but GCSE's and hormones have taken their toll of late - at the moment I quite often also have to shut her door and walk away - i darent go in and tidy up due to worry i might move some precious exam preparations and then be unable to find essential work,
Lylie what a good idea - tongs - i shall take them with me next time i venture into the swampiness of Jessie's room, be useful for any out of date sarnies!
Jenni ~ please let us know how things go along, especially with getting specialist support to help Michael thru' this tricky time
Take care love Liz xxxxx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 838 Location: Nottinghamshire
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I remember my youngest daughter Julies bedroom. It didn't help matters that we live in a bungalow and her room was next ot the front door. I always worried that when people came they would look through her window and see the mess.  On a postive note.......I always said that if we got burgled, they would go in her room and think that someome had beaten them to it and go away. Paula
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009
Posts: 2,127
Location: Thornton Cleveleys
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 2,237 Location: nr Southampton
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hello all,
it alright, he is alive and so am I!
The mysteries of the lads clothing have been solved.
Donning the breathing apparatus and armed with chemical warfare spray (AKA pound shop fabreeze) I investigated the war zone, where clothes COME TO DIE.
No sign of the fabled first pair of trousers or the dirty t-shirt- these are in fact myths.
Michael has told some whoppas.
His "clean" t-shirt is in fact his dirty one with a bit of deodrant spray added (perhaps a bit of damp flannel dorbed on the muckiest bits for best effect)
His 2nd pair of trousers are in fact the original no 1 pair of trousers.
The 3rd pair which, according to him has never existed are still AWOL.
There is a phantom trouser nicker surely....
then I had a terrifying thought.....
HIS PE KIT!!!AAAAAAAaaaaaaaagh! Where angels fear to tread......they could be stuffed in there with the socks that could walk by themselves.....! AAAAAAAAAAAAAgh
realising I was hopelessly equipped without breathing apparatus or tongs I tackled the dreaded black bag of stinky boys and there discovered several bits of what was once clothing.... they are going round in the washing machine currently with hald a tub of vanish, and when they come out I might be able to discover what they were!
because he doesnt really understand friendships very well, michael is VERY generous with my money, his smart new uniform, new pens etc.
Michael and Gems give their stuff gleefully away and bring home other childrens tattered crappy stuff instead and then lie about it.
this is because they have no concept of worth really, in themselves or their stuff. Plus they think buying friends is a way to getting relationships going so that they are not killed. Throw in a missing link when it comes to empathy for a now skint mum who has spent hours looking for and buying their stuff and you get an overall picture of what Im looking at!
lol
I have generously equipped most of y10 sports teams and was secretly pleased to see in the PE kit of Hades, michael has brought home someone elses Nike trainers by mistake (given them back of course)
We did go through a phase I had forgotten of everything going straight from the freshly washed pile to being screwed up and chucked about the bedroom and landing in the washing bin heap having never been worn for a while.
A mixture of the 2 behaviours of washing avoidance and over laundering would be ideal really wouldnt it?!
In the meantime, my parents have played a binder and had "words" with Michael. He came home friday (he always goes there for tea on fridays and to tinker in granddads shed with wood and stuff) with an apology, a kiss (even a little eye contact- that boy HAS come on) and an appreciation of following the plan for getting through his exams.
He has got everything possible around him for support and he is of course missing Gems, but worse really is that he doesnt miss living with such a troubled young lady and then feels very guilty about this. He has got therapy on going which is helping and I have bought him a little fish tank and fishes to help him relax and have a sense of well being in his room.
We have bought him new bedroom furniture and he has found the loss of his old, knackered falling apart little boy furniture hard, so we have got it in there a section at a time. My dad is coming to help with the last bit in the morning - his bed.
he has worked hard on his revision and is using the little folders, pens etc that I bought him and is even using his new desk.
Jenni xx
PS Several of my friends have this bk called "blame my brain" which explains that essentially the brain changes mean that teens are just like huge toddlers, for michael this is very relevant, with some "extras". I have found the developmental tauma model here most helpful when explaining his issues really www.traumacenter.org/pro..._dev_trauma_disorder.pdf how to be a velvet bulldoser
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